Lifestyle

Coping With: Earthquake

In this ongoing series we look at how you can plan, live through and cope with out-of-the-ordinary situations.

Before

Wooden buildings are the safest type of building to be in during an earthquake. Brick is best for wolves. Make sure you know the difference. High wolf rate in your area? Go for bricks.

There’d be a much greater survival rate if signs were on the back of every door of every room showing the correct procedure to follow during an earthquake. Failing that, the Robert De Niro Taxi Driver poster is just as good.

Have your earthquake survival kit ready. Use common sense when creating this kit. Obviously you’ll need lots of bottled water, porn and cigarettes. Store it in a conveniently placed couch fort. Continue…

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International - Aug 28, 2010 16:12

New York Mosque Viral Campaign Wins Top
Advertising Awards For Burlington Coat Factory

Innovative work for Burlington Coat Factory has picked up two major ‘Gold Dolphin’ awards at the 2010 Lundgren International Advertising Festival.

Dubbed ‘Ground Zero Mosque’, the campaign has gained widespread media interest for the Burlington Coat brand.

Behind much of the attention has been Los Angeles advertising agency Screw, the cutting-edge brand shop carefully aligning a number of synergistic, osmosis-driven initiatives.

The multi-faceted campaign cleverly linked the planned Islamic community centre to terrorism, Muslim imperialism and other hot topic issues. “Hallowed Ground” spots helped raise credibility and a variety of ‘brand ambassadors’ stirred further goodwill towards Burlington Coat Factory. Continue…

National - Aug 30, 2010 23:00

Serious Freud Office Probes Mothers, Sex, Dreams

Companies run by leading business personality Timothy Wright-Vincent are under investigation by the SFO today as the Government seeks to answer recent allegations of impropriety and other odd behaviour.

The Serious Freud Office is concentrating on purported improper family connections at Ramrod Securities where the 48 year-old is CEO and his stepfather, Tim Hubson, is Chief Financial Officer.

Other entities, including a cosmetic surgery company and a luxury sports car business are also under investigation.

The investigation comes on the heels of widespread reports of Wright-Vincent’s increasingly erratic behaviour, as seen in his referring to John Campbell as “mum” during a television interview last night. Continue…

Local - Jul 25, 2010 20:27

Local Farmer Intent On Not Preserving Land For Future Generation

For dairy farmer Gerard Bollum respect for the land was an attitude he was brought up with.

Now, thanks to changing demands from the world market, he’s beginning to view farming methods in a different light. Like many New Zealand farmers he is now questioning the importance of leaving a lasting legacy.

“You’re only this earth for a short while, so we’re looking to make a lot out of our investment before retiring to the Gold Coast in a few years time,” says the born and bred Cantabrian.

Recent changes to pesticide and fertiliser use means crops can be grown faster and the maximum worth of the soil quickly used. It’s a technique that is proving popular with more and more farmers. “We can’t get the figures using non-invasive and less ecologically harmful procedures,” says Gerard. Continue…

Sport - Jun 16, 2010 2:00

Nation Runs Home To Check What World Thinks Of All Whites Draw

New Zealand emerged bleary-eyed but surprisingly alert from their friend’s house on Wednesday morning before making a quick trip home to ascertain the World Cup result in accordance with what other people in the world think of the All Whites.

After a slight delay due to front door key misplacement the nation quietly bounded inside to see if any international news websites had delivered the appropriate level of surprise and delight over the shock equalising goal.

Initial investigations proved fruitless. However, after an hour spent diligently searching, New Zealand was able to put together a comprehensive international portrait of the World Cup achievements, validating its surging pride. Continue…

Entertainment - Sep 2, 2010 12:57

Ripley’s Y’all Believe Dat Shit?! Opens In Hutt Valley

The first Ripley’s Ya’ll Believe Dat Shit?! has launched in New Zealand to enthusiastic crowds flocking to see exhibits of anthropological quirks from around the globe.

The popular franchise boasts 85 theme parks and museums in eleven countries. The latest Ripley’s Y’all Believe Dat Shit?! opened in the burgeoning cultural heartland of Porirua, and is projected to bring $2m to the local economy in the next twelve months.

First through the doors on the opening day was local man Billy Hohepa who was suitably impressed with the Beast Room, “You seen the Manu Vatuvei exhibit? Dude’s got the mean calves on the back of his legs. Y’all believe dat shit?” Continue…

Lifestyle - Aug 19, 2010 20:00

Continued Mispronunciation Of Teddy Veitch’s Name By Charity

Spokesperson: “Did I say it right?”

The charity formerly known The Christian Children’s Fund was at the centre of more scandal this week with continued gaffes leading to further embarrassment for former child ambassador Teddy Veitch.

Child Fund invited Dr Veitch as a guest of honour to celebrate the anniversary of the initial advertising campaign at a star-studded gala.

Introducing the former charity beneficiary up onto the stage M.C Gary McCormick repeatedly stumbled on the pronunciation, asking for applause for ‘Jediteitch’, ‘Gerratitch’ and ‘Geddyhooch’. Continue…

News In Briefs

“No Evidence” Kiwi Team Threw Matches NZ Cricket Board Grudgingly Admits
Wikileaks Founder Charged After Details Of Incursion To Fourth Base Released
Terrified NIWA Scientists Predict Temperature Rise In December
Hide Follows “I’m No Bully” With “Are You Calling Me A Liar?”, “Stop Hitting Yourself”

Coitus Interruptus - Jun 28, 2010 10:24

How Would You Like The Bishop?

If you absolutely had to choose, how would you like Brian Tamaki to make love to you – soft and loving and going on for ages, or fast and furious and over and done with as quickly as possible?

SM: A quick prayer first so I don’t bleed. Then 2 short ones and one long one in repeated succession.

. Continue…

What's Hot - Aug 19, 2010 18:05

What’s Hot.

Hot

Chest hair. Now that the hotter weather is coming up a good bit of growth will make it easier to go topless that much quicker. You too ladies.

Not

Celebrity sex. No, that cold, sickly feeling wasn’t from something you ate. It’s just the body’s natural defence mechanism after reading about how Brittany Murphy’s husband slept with her mum after the Clueless star died. Apparently the five stages of grief are now Denial, Guilt, Guilt, Having sex with the mother in law, Overdose. Continue…